Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

the best thing i’ve ever made

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.