Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.