Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
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Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
You deplete me
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.