Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

look scared

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”