Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

I hope this email punches you square in the face

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.

Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”

He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.

“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.

Blindsided me.

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.