Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

A short story of betrayal:

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

There’s no “u” in narcissist

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.