Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
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[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
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Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind