Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?
– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
What
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?