Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
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Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
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My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.