next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
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her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
It’s his time
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
titanic
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.