next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed