Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
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tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
#Thanos #MondayMood
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.