Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
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Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Everyone’s family
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions