Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,