Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
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why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Bringing home a sharpie
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.