My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
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The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem