next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
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[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
time machine? you mean a clock?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.