next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
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I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Isn’t
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?