Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

The cashier just checked me out.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent