Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis