Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
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This is enough internet for the day.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
We’ve all been there
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I love the National Park Service.