Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
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Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
Brb my Sims are getting married
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible