Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..