Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Money is the root of all wealth
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I know
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??