Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”