Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567