Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
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Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
True
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.