Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
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Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Fight
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline