Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
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Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.