Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

💀💀💀💀

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

(Musicians.)

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.