Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

“OMGJK” -atheists

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

For the baby who has everything