Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
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Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
🚲+physics = winner
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
i choose….tongue
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
