Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Great game to play with friends
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.