Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

HERE’S MARKY

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.