Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
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Best spot.. 😅
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
A roof is a house hat.