Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
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Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
This is the coolest video you will see today.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.