Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Still laughing at this stupid meme

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

Just me and my debit card against the world

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.