Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.