Next time you’re on an elevator with a stranger say, “If the doors open and it’s all zombies, let’s team up.”

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*flipping through recipes*

I’m not going to twice bake anything my family won’t take twice as long to eat.


A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos


Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs


Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle


[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast


I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume


[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.


[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we


Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol


Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Me: Miller Light