*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.