Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

🫶

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

“Are you just going to sit there all day?”

“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.