@BooFricketyHoo

Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast.

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@msgwenl

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

@YepperPepper123

*on a date about to propose*
Date: Oh I saw the funniest jif the other day…
Me: *sliding ring back into pocket*

@CantWaitToNap

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

@DaHess1

When I momentarily lack the ability to articulate my thoughts and use a preposition instead.

That.

@squirrel74wkgn

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

@dumbbeezie

Women don’t make good meteorologists because they’re never wrong

@WritePlay

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

@daemonic3

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT