Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
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“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.