Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
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I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist