Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
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just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
imagine getting destroyed like this
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Don’t snitch tag.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.