Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
You Might Also Like
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Mapping America’s Far Right
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*