Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
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“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.