Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
You Might Also Like
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
When can I start eating bats again.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.