Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Wednesday
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.