Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?