Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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This made me chuckle.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet