“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
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As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
cry laughing at this shit
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.