Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.