Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?