Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

Priorities

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

What’s a Messi?

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-

Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE