Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing