Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
You Might Also Like
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Ugh
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.