Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
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I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
sleeping beauty
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers