Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher