nice challenge
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marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.