nice challenge
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I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*