Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

I put the p in pants.

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories