Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
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– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search