Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
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Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
The Weeknd is back
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.