Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
You Might Also Like
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
◾️
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”