“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
wtf management?!
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack