“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
How does one answer this?
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?